Last Call Review of draft-shore-icmp-aup-06
review-shore-icmp-aup-06-genart-lc-gurbani-2013-10-25-00

I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on
Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at
<

http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq>.

Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments
you may receive.

Document: draft-shore-icmp-aup-06
Reviewer: Vijay K. Gurbani
Review Date: Oct-25-2013
IETF LC End Date: Unknown
IESG Telechat date: Unknown

Major: 0
Minor: 0
Nits: 5

This document is ready as a BCP but has some nits that must be fixed.

Nits:

- S3, first paragraph: s/models after it./is modeled after it./

- S4, first paragraph could probably benefit from rewording.  For
 instance, there is an overt dependence on language like "that
 terminology" and "what they are".  I believe "that terminology"
 refers to the understanding of the community on the terms
 "management" and "control".  Similarly "what they are" refers to
 the same terms.

 My suggestion would be to rewrite the latter portion of the para-
 graph so it does not depend on "that" and "they" but instead
 identifies the subject explicitly.

- S4, third paragraph: s/telecomm/telecommunications/

 You have used "telecommunications" at other places, so it helps
 to be consistent.

 Same paragraph: it may be better to
 s/and so on./and other similar artifacts./

 "... and so on" is great for colloquial use but does not quite
 carry into a standards document, IMHO.

- S4, paragraph 5, lines 3-4: s/management message/management messages/

- S4, paragraph 6, first bullet item: s/many, many/plethora of/

 For same reasons having to do with colloquialism.

Thanks,

- vijay
--
Vijay K. Gurbani, Bell Laboratories, Alcatel-Lucent
1960 Lucent Lane, Rm. 9C-533, Naperville, Illinois 60563 (USA)
Email: vkg at {bell-labs.com,acm.org} / vijay.gurbani at alcatel-lucent.com
Web: 

http://ect.bell-labs.com/who/vkg/

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