Last Call Review of draft-ietf-netext-wifi-epc-eap-attributes-08
review-ietf-netext-wifi-epc-eap-attributes-08-genart-lc-yee-2014-06-25-00

Request Review of draft-ietf-netext-wifi-epc-eap-attributes
Requested rev. no specific revision (document currently at 16)
Type Last Call Review
Team General Area Review Team (Gen-ART) (genart)
Deadline 2014-06-24
Requested 2014-06-12
Other Reviews Genart Telechat review of -09 by Peter Yee (diff)
Secdir Last Call review of -08 by Leif Johansson (diff)
Review State Completed
Reviewer Peter Yee
Review review-ietf-netext-wifi-epc-eap-attributes-08-genart-lc-yee-2014-06-25
Posted at http://www.ietf.org/mail-archive/web/gen-art/current/msg10272.html
Reviewed rev. 08 (document currently at 16)
Review result Ready with Nits
Draft last updated 2014-06-25
Review completed: 2014-06-25

Review
review-ietf-netext-wifi-epc-eap-attributes-08-genart-lc-yee-2014-06-25

I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on
Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at
<

http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq>

Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments you
may receive.

Document: draft-ietf-netext-wifi-epc-eap-attributes-08
Reviewer: Peter Yee
Review Date: June-24-2014
IETF LC End Date: June-24-2014
IESG Telechat date: TBD

Summary: This draft is basically ready for publication as an Informational
RFC, but has some nits that should be fixed before publication. [Ready with
nits.]

The draft could do with some language cleanup, but otherwise appears fine
for publication.

Questions:

Page 8, Section 5.2, 2nd paragraph, last sentence: by "present" do you mean
the presence of the Type field itself or the presence of a Type field value?
I believe you mean the latter, in which case you may wish to add "value"
after "Type field".

Page 11, Section 5.5, diagram: the session ID would seem to run longer than
32 bits in some cases.  For example, I understand a GUTI to be 62 bits (30
bits of GUMMEI plus 32 bits of M-TMSI).  Should the diagram be modified to
reflect the variable length?

General:

Replace "WiFi" with "Wi-Fi" throughout the document to align with the
preferred usage of the name as given by the Wi-Fi Alliance.

Expand acronyms on first use unless they are blazingly obvious in this
context.  Consider citing their references for clarity.

Replace "a MN" with "an MN" throughout the document.

Determine if RFC 2119 language is really necessary in this document and then
use it (or not) consistently.  There are SHOULDs and shalls (lower case).

Leave URLs out of RFC references; they aren't included in the current
reference format.

Not all the attributes defined in Section 5 are discussed in Section 4.  Is
this expected or desirable?

Nits:

Page 1, Abstract, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: append a comma after
"connections".

Page 2, Introduction, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: change "the functions" to
"these functions".

Page 2, Introduction, 1st paragraph, 5th sentence: change "indicates" to
"requests", unless this 3GPP's terminology for a requesting a new IP
session.

Page 3, paragraph after the bullet points, 1st sentence: replace "and"
before "EAP-SIM" with a comma.

Page 3, paragraph after the bullet points, last sentence: append a comma
after "4G".

Page 3, Section 1.1, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "it's" to "its".

Page 3, Section 1.1, 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: change "internet" to
"Internet" unless you really mean lower case "internet".

Page 3, Section 1.1., 1st paragraph, 4th sentence: insert "a" before "user".

Page 3, Section 1.1, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "attributes" to
"attribute".

Page 3, Section 1.2, 2nd sentence: replace "Additional" with "additional" in
both places to match 3GPP usage. 

Page 4, Section 1.3, 1st sentence: replace "it's" with "its".

Page 4, Section 1.3, 1st sentence: insert "network" between "access" and
"to".

Page 4, Section 1.3, 2nd sentence: insert "a" before "3GPP".

Page 4, Section 1.3, 3rd sentence: change "from" to "using" and delete the
subsequent "the".

Page 4, Section 1.3, last sentence: expand the acronym "RAN".  Note that
3GPP and IEEE 802 usage of the acronym differs.

Page 5, Section 3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: change "it's" to "its".

Page 5, Section 3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "an" before the
first occurrence of "MN".

Page 5, Section 3.2, 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "the" before the
second occurrence of "MN" and replace the following "credentials" with
"identity".  The credentials are used to prove the identity that was
communicated.

Page 6, first bullet item, last sentence: insert "the" before "MAG".

Page 6, "Call Flow Description": a whole host of definite and indefinite
articles is missing.  They're simply too numerous for me to what to list
them individually.  Review the section and insert articles as appropriate to
aid readability.

Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 1: end the sentence with a period.

Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 2: append a period to the sentence.

Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 6:  replace "it's" with "its".

Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 7:  replace "it's" with "its".  Come
to think of it, just do a global search-and-replace for "it's".

Page 6, "Call Flow Description", item 10: move the comma after "etc." to
before it.

Page 7, Section 4.1, 1st paragraph: insert "the" before
"AT_VIRTUAL_NETWORK_ID"; insert "the" before "EAP-Response/AKA-Challenge".

Page 7, Section 4.1, 2nd paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "the" before
"AT_VIRTUAL_NETWORK_ID"; insert "the" before "EAP-Response/AKA-Challenge".

Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st paragraph: insert "the" before "MN".

Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st bullet item: eliminate the space before the colon.

Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st bullet item, 1st sentence: insert "the" before
"MN".

Page 7, Section 4.2, 1st bullet item, 2nd sentence: insert "the" before
"network".

Page 7, Section 4.2, 2nd bullet item, 1st sentence: insert "The" before
"MN".

Page 7, Section 4.3, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: consider replacing "A
Mobile Node" with "An MN".

Page 7, Section 4.3, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "the" before
"so-called".

Page 8, Section 5: insert "the" before "first".

Page 8, Section 5.1, Virtual Network Id definition, 1st sentence: insert
"the" before "MN".

Page 8, Section 5.2, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "an" before the
first occurrent of "MN"; insert "the" before the second.

Page 8, Section 5.2, 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert "the" before
"MN's".

Page 9, Virt-Net-Req Type, 3rd bullet item: insert "the" before
"Connectivity".

Page 9, Section 5.3: consider moving this section to after Section 5.5 to
mirror the order found in Section 4.

Page 9, Section 5.3, 1st paragraph: consider changing "A Mobile Node" to "An
MN".

Page 10, Section 5.4, diagram: it's not apparent to me why the attribute
length value is equal to 1 plus the session ID length.

Page 10, Section 5.4, both bullet items: insert "The" or "the" before "MN"
in all cases, as appropriate.

Page 11, Section 5.5, 1st paragraph, 1st sentence: insert "an" before the
first occurrence of "MN"; insert "a session" before "identity"; insert "the"
before the second occurrence of "MN".

Page 11, Section 5.5, 1st paragraph, 2nd sentence: insert "The" before "MN";
replace "a" with "an" before "E-UTRAN".

Page 11, Section 5.5, 1st paragraph, 3rd sentence: insert "the" before "MN".

Page 11, last paragraph, 2nd sentence: replace "begining" with "beginning".

Page 11, last paragraph, last sentence: insert spaces before this sentence
to separate it from the previous one.

Page 12, Section 6, 1st sentence: insert "the" before "EAP-AKA".  Delete
"RFC 4187".  The reference should suffice.

Page 12, Section 6,  2nd sentence: consider noting that some attributes are
passed from the network to the MN.

Page 14, EPC reference: delete the semicolon. Delete the superfluous quote
and comma following the date.

Page 14, GPRS reference: insert a closing quote after "Stage 2". Delete the
superfluous quote and comma following the date.